"Life isn't about surviving the storm...it is about learning to dance in the rain." Anonymous

Sunday, July 22, 2012

A letter to my girl...

Dear sweet girl,

Tonight I cried for you like I haven't in a very long time. Crocodile tears....the kind that take your breath and make your knees weak. I'm not sure what brought this on. Grief just decided to rear its ugly head and bite me in the rear end. I used to cry at night alot after you died. I would wake up in tears and try to cry silently, so as not to wake up your daddy. I was thinking about you today and it hit me that you would be 2 1/2 this month (happy b-day, by the way). Two and a half! A little girl with your own personality. I wish I could paint your toenails. If I could have a day with you, I would even let you paint mine :). I wonder about you sometimes. I think you would have had red hair like your great grandmothers. When I think of you, it is the red hair that I see first. I wish we could have a pajama day and watch Beauty and the Beast.

Sometimes I worry that I am forgetting the essence of you....what your movement felt like, how you would somersault at night when I would get ready for bed. I wish I had cherished that more. You are so precious to me, sweet girl. I love you to the moon and back.

Mommy

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

What's in a name?

One of the decisions we make as parents is the name our baby will be given.  It is a rite of passage....the choosing of the perfect name.  As parents of babies who have died, we have the choice of whether or not to name our babies.  Some of us choose to and some of us don't.   There is no right or wrong way.

After Elizabeth died, I was asked by a friend if I would "reuse" her name for another baby.  The answer is a resounding NO.  Maybe this is ok for some, but not for me.  You see, I knew her name before I even knew she was a girl.  I just had a feeling she was a girl and I had called her Elizabeth in my mind from the start.  For me, there is, and always will be, only one Elizabeth Claire Petersen. 

Webster defines a name as "a word or phrase that constitutes the distinctive designation of a person or
thing".  So, her name is what designates her in our family.  It gives her the identity she deserves and it gives us a name to call her by when we remember her as a family. 

I have two friends who didn't name their babies right away.  The thought was just too painful.  One of them decided to name her son a year after his death, when the time felt right for her.  I know another lady who decided 7 years later to name her baby.  The timing is different for all of us.

I had an ectopic pregnancy a little over a year ago and never named that little baby.  It may sound crazy, but I refer to him or her as "Little Bit", because that is what I called it before the loss.  So, I guess you can say that Little Bit is the perfect name for that tiny baby. 

Recently, my sister-in-law told me that when my niece has a daughter, she wants to name her Elizabeth Claire.  I don't really like that idea.  I feel that name has already been taken in our family.  I was a little hurt and saddened by the idea of another little girl with that name.  Is that selfish?  I don't know....maybe.

The power of a name is really amazing.  The few times that I have seen Elizabeth's name in print have taken my breath.  I know that I won't ever have the chance to see her name in a kindergarten graduation program or on her wedding invitation, but I will take whatever I can get.  Every chance to read her name or speak her name is a wonderful moment to me.

It is a reminder that she was here and still lives on in the inner core of me.