I said this time last year that I was going to make it a tradition each year on December 1st to reread all of the cards that people sent when my daughter died. I don't really want to do that this year after all. The past 3 weeks have been just sad and I feel like the sadness is slowly getting better. So, I am not going to open the box this year and read the cards and look at the clothes and try to remember December 1, 2009. This, too, is a contradiction. I don't want to remember it and then I am terrified that I will forget it. I think this may make sense to some of you.
So many contradictions...
- time seems to have stood still, but it has gone so fast
- i am happy but sad (how in the world do you explain that to anyone??)
- my life has moved on, but I don't know if I have
- my body shows the evidence of my pregnancy, but one of my children is missing
- the earth didn't shatter 3 years ago, but it sure did feel like it. In fact, I can almost swear I was cut by all of the shards of glass in the process.
If you are familiar with the "Dummies" series of books, you might find it funny to hear that there is actually a "Grief for Dummies" book! For some reason, this struck me as really hilarious. I am wondering who exactly should read it....should it be the person grieving, so that they can learn how to grieve "normally" or should it be those around them to help them learn how to accept the grief of the bereaved? Not sure...I may have to order it and read it to satisfy my curiosity.
So, anyway, please forgive the rambling post. I know that Saturday will come and go like every other day. The earth will not stop, people will continue to go about their lives, and those around me still may not get the fact that I am sad sometimes. It is not just a day, though, to me. It is special. It is lovely. It is sad. It is the day my daughter entered and left this world. It was, and continues to remain, a gift. A treasured day for just me....no party, no cake, no celebration with other people, but special. Devastating, but special....such a contradiction.