Wow, it sure has been a while since my last post! Sorry about that....for some reason, I haven't had the inspiration to write this summer. I am not sure why. That happens to me sometimes and I can't just write something for the heck of it just to post something. I need to FEEL like writing. Does that make sense?
Summer is ending and my two older children went back to school yesterday. I always get a little melancholy about this, but especially this year. We were taking the usual first day of school pictures. Making them smile and hold up signs that read "5th grade" and "7th grade", which they did not approve of!
They left for school with my husband and the house got quiet and then it hit me that there was definitely something missing. There should have been a 4 year old little girl wearing hairbows and carrying her first backpack, holding up a sign that read "Pre-K".
There are so many things that bereaved parents lose when their baby dies too soon. The loss is so deep. It is the loss of what could have been that is so hard for me. I want to know her so badly. Sometimes, this is what keeps me awake at night--the fact that I feel that I don't know her. I know the idea of her and I know what she means to us. But, I wanted to know HER--her favorite color, her favorite toys and songs. Would she like to dance or would she rather play soccer? These are things I lost. Today, I feel that loss very deeply. Instead, I am sitting here feeling like I missed her first day of school.
I hope she knows that her mom is thinking about her and that this week is a milestone. I am proud of her. Proud of the fact that she was mine, if only for a short time. I guess I don't need a sign to remind me of that fact. It is just that this experience has been so hard and it has taken me a while to figure it all out.
Peace and hugs....