The contradictions of my grief

Saturday will make three years.  Three years.  Wow, just wow.  How does that happen?  How does the earth just continue to rotate on its axis every single minute of every single day, but my life seems at times like it has stood still??  Such a contradiction.

I said this time last year that I was going to make it a tradition each year on December 1st to reread all of the cards that people sent when my daughter died.  I don't really want to do that this year after all.  The past 3 weeks have been just sad and I feel like the sadness is slowly getting better.  So, I am not going to open the box this year and read the cards and look at the clothes and try to remember December 1, 2009.  This, too, is a contradiction.  I don't want to remember it and then I am terrified that I will forget it.  I think this may make sense to some of you.

So many contradictions...

• time seems to have stood still, but it has gone so fast
• i am happy but sad (how in the world do you explain that to anyone??)
• my life has moved on, but I don't know if I have
• my body shows the evidence of my pregnancy, but one of my children is missing
• the earth didn't shatter 3 years ago, but it sure did feel like it.  In fact, I can almost swear I was cut by all of the shards of glass in the process.

I read a great article today about various famous people who have experienced grief and some of the things that made them feel better.  It was really good....basically, it said that no two people grieve the same way.  People have very different ways of coping and that is ok.  One mom had slept in her daughter's bed for a while after she died.  Not so strange to me, except that the daughter's husband was still in the bed, too ;))  Other people wore their loved ones clothing.  The article ended by saying that even though we all express grief differently, there is one commonality and that is that at times, grief makes you feel like you are losing your mind.  How very true!

If you are familiar with the "Dummies" series of books, you might find it funny to hear that there is actually a "Grief for Dummies" book!  For some reason, this struck me as really hilarious.  I am wondering who exactly should read it....should it be the person grieving, so that they can learn how to grieve "normally" or should it be those around them to help them learn how to accept the grief of the bereaved?  Not sure...I may have to order it and read it to satisfy my curiosity. 

So, anyway, please forgive the rambling post.  I know that Saturday will come and go like every other day.  The earth will not stop, people will continue to go about their lives, and those around me still may not get the fact that I am sad sometimes.  It is not just a day, though, to me.  It is special.  It is lovely.  It is sad.  It is the day my daughter entered and left this world.  It was, and continues to remain, a gift.  A treasured day for just me....no party, no cake, no celebration with other people, but special.  Devastating, but special....such a contradiction.