Well, the past few days have been really tough. Why is the 2nd year anniversary harder than the 1st?? Is it because the total shock has worn off and now there is just raw sadness? I don't know. But I do know that I have been reflecting a lot about the last 2 years this week. How far I have come, how much I would love to be shopping for a play kitchen or a dollhouse for my almost 2 year old, how when I think of December 1, 2009, my heart hurts. That was the day that my world shattered into a million glass pieces and I had to learn how to walk through the glass with bare feet. I know that if you are reading this blog post, you must know how this feels. It is a uniqueness that bonds us all in this community of perinatal loss.
Over the last couple of days, I have been wondering how I am different now that I have lost someone I love. Here is what I have learned:
- I am still here...I have not been completely broken...I have experienced the agony of loss and am here to talk about it and help others.
- I used to ask, "why me?", "why my baby?". But I realize now that I have to ask "why not me?" I am not immune to bad things; I just never imagined bad things like losing my baby would ever happen to me. Well, it did.
- The loss of a baby can be a lonely, lonely grief. But, there is a community out there. I have learned that I cherish that community. As much as I hate knowing that other people have had to go through this pain, I am so thankful for the people who have come into my life in the past 2 years.
- It is OK to be sad sometimes...my loss is part of my story. It has become an integral part of who I am and who I will become.
- When it gets hard, I know to take it one minute at a time.
- I have been through this life-altering event with my husband. We are the only 2 people on earth who went through this particular experience with our particular baby and I cherish him for being with me.
WOW! A mother will never forget. The anniversaries are dates on a calendar. Yes, they make us reflect and they may, in reality, make us sad. But, the bottom line is we are mothers and our love never dies...it just grows and becomes stronger. So, I will try to remember that this December 1st...who knows, maybe I will come back to this post and read my own words.