"Life isn't about surviving the storm...it is about learning to dance in the rain." Anonymous

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

The Six Year Journey

Hey sweet baby,

It is your mommy.  I haven't written about you in some time and today feels right.  Today marks 6 years since we began this journey together.  Sometimes, I feel like it has just been the two of us on this very lonely road together, which is comforting and devastating all at once.

I want you to know that today I have relived every second of our time together--the unexpected positive pregnancy test, the aversion to meat, finding out you were another little girl, your very strong kicks, my placenta previa, the bedrest, the constant prayers that you would be ok, and then the day that you were not ok.

But most of all, I want you to know that I am happy.  Sometimes, I feel guilty about that, but I think you already know that I am happy and that you are glad.  The road to happy has not been an easy one. It has been heartbreaking and difficult to walk.  But I am ok.

The loss of you did not shatter me.  It did break me into many pieces, but so many things have helped to put my broken pieces all back together:  the friends I have made along the way, my job, your daddy and your older siblings, and our rainbow baby, Campbell.  They have all had a part in helping walk this road to better.  I like to think that all my broken pieces are sewn back up like an old teddy bear who has been loved on by many people.  One thing I have learned through this is that it is the imperfect suture lines that matter.  That is what gives character.  They tell the story of how each piece belongs.

When my grandmother- your great-grandmother- died this past June, I was heartbroken.  I have mourned her greatly and miss her every single day.  But, her death, while terribly sad for me, has not altered my life.  Maybe because I knew she would die someday.  I don't know.  You were different.  Your passing was life altering and that is what has made this journey very different.  You literally changed my life.  If it weren't for your existence, I would be in a completely different place right now.  That, in my opinion, makes you amazing.

So, thank you for being my sweet forever baby.  You are treasured beyond measure.  Your lessons have been taught.  And I am grateful.  So very grateful that I was your mom.

I hope the angels are giving you extra kisses today.


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  2. Beautiful. Thinking of you today and always. Sending hugs your way!