I remember after my loss that I was obsessed with being pregnant again. When I say obsessed, I mean it! I literally exhausted myself counting cycle days and watching for pregnancy symptoms...and nothing happened. I don't know if it is because my loss happened 18 weeks before my due date or if that is the way most people feel, but that is how I felt. I think in the back of my mind I thought that if I could be pregnant before that due date in April, that I would be OK. Sounds wierd...especially as I am typing this. But, it is how I felt and I have stopped trying to overanalyze the multitude of irrational thoughts I had after my baby died.
After April came and went, the urgency lessened. Looking back on that time, I am glad that I did not get pregnant then. For me, I really needed the time to heal. But, everyone is so different.
As a nurse practitioner, I used to work in a gyn office and I can remember taking care of so many pregnant patients who had lost a previous baby. What I remember is their fear and anxiety.
This is what I have come to know: those of us who have lost a precious child have taken a walk on the dark side--that other side of labor and delivery that does not have a happy outcome. We, in a sense, have become a part of a group of people, a sorority of sorts, who have experienced firsthand the awful devastation of loss.
So, whether or not a pregnancy comes sooner or later, or not at all, is really up to each person. The fear will be there and that is normal. Until you hold a healthy, live baby in your arms, the fear is going to be there. You just have to try not to let it consume you, because it is out of your control.
Someone sent me the link to a story the other day that I LOVE!! Here is the link:
You may have already read it, but I had not. It was written by the mother of a child with Down's Syndrome, but I think it applies to so many things in life, especially to those of us who live with the loss of our sweet babies every single day.