"Life isn't about surviving the storm...it is about learning to dance in the rain." Anonymous

Saturday, February 23, 2013

6 Top Things I Don't Want to Hear...

I read the greatest article the other day written by a woman who listed her top 6 things you should not say to parents of adopted children, divorcees, working moms, etc.  She had a list for everything, including the responses she would like to give.  Even though all of her categories did not apply to me, I read them and understood alot of them and laughed out loud at some of her crazy responses. Really, I guess I understood her frustration, which was evident in some of her lists.  I think her point really was that too many people give opinions and unsolicited advice that can be hurtful.  Most of the time, the advice givers have NO CLUE what they are even talking about.

One list she didn't have was "6 things Never to Say to someone who has just lost their baby." Of course this does not surprise me, because alot of people avoid this topic.  So, I have decided to make my own list of my "Top 6 Ludicrous and Ridiculous Things People Say After Someone Loses a Baby" along with what I would like to respond back to them.  Of course, I am a polite Southern girl and would probably keep my comments to myself, but it sure is cathartic and fun to write them.  And who knows, maybe one day, someone will really annoy me with a stupid comment and I will not be able to help myself.  There are times when I think someone learns a very valuable lesson when they are told how insensitive and/or ridiculous their comment is.

I hope you either enjoy my list or realize that you are probably not alone in having to deal with insensitive, unsolicited advice.

Here goes:

My Top 6 Ludicrous and Ridiculous Things People Say After Someone Loses a Baby
(my responses in red)

  1. It just wasn't meant to be.  Ok, obviously not, but how would you feel if your child passed away at any age and I said to you that it wasn't meant to be for that child to continue living and to  grow older?  Puts a bit of a different spin on it, doesn't it?
  2. You just have to know that God has a plan and your loss is all part of it.  The Tsunami in Tailand and all of the other natural disasters that occur in the world are all part of His plan, too, but that doesn't make them hurt any less.
  3. You can have another baby.  (This is one of my favorites!).   Well, unfortunately, I am not as fertile as you are with your x number of kids.  And when I do get pregnant, things are not very easy for me.  Unless you are absolutely certain that I will be successful in not only getting pregnant, but also being able to carry that baby, please do not comment on my fertility.  Maybe, I am unable to have any more children or maybe I have chosen not to have any more.  VERY personal comment.
  4. You have your own angel now.  I would move heaven and earth for my baby to be here, with me.  I wanted her to bury me, not the other way around.  That statement may give me peace one day, but today it really does not.
  5. Try to forget this all happened.  I am so terribly afraid of forgetting.  I am afraid of forgetting her movement inside of me, her profile, my pregnancy sickness, my delivery.  If I could bottle it all up, I would.  That time is part of me and my family.  She happened.  You may need to forget it or ignore what has happened to me, but I will not.  Besides, how would you feel if I said that to you after you lost a loved one?
  6. There was probably something wrong anyway, or she could have had alot of problems.  First of all, why would you ever say that?  Second of all, why does that matter?  The fact that you think that says alot about your parenting style.  So, would you love your child any less if he or she was in an accident that left them impaired?  Would that child not still be completely worthy of being here?  I would have loved my baby no matter what.

The sad truth is that I could continue my list.  The happy truth is that I have gotten to a point where, most of the time, I don't let these types of comments get to me.  

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