My "Big Daddy" died two weeks ago. He was my grandfather on my mom's side. We had always called him that because he was so tall. Just a massive man, full of strength. I can remember sitting on his shoulders when I was very little. Sitting there made me feel like I was the tallest person on earth.
It is interesting to me how I view death since I have been through the death of my baby. I don't fear death. I think a lot about it sometimes--the concept of death, what it is like, what heaven is like. I know that sounds REALLY strange. But it is true. Don't misunderstand me.....I do not like the idea of death and I do not like to know that others around me have experienced the death of a loved one. But, I think that because my little girl has been through it that I view it differently than maybe someone who hasn't really given it much thought. I don't know.
So, I have been thinking a lot about Big Daddy. Which makes me think a lot about my girl. Now they are in the same place and that is nice. I know that we all believe different things, but I believe in Heaven. I wonder if he has been giving her rides on his shoulders? I bet she would like that a lot.
My grandfather was a World War II veteran. He loved to tell stories about his army days and how his plane went down over a part of Africa and he had to find his way home. I can't imagine doing that myself....Ha! I wouldn't make it out of Atlanta :) But, it doesn't surprise me that he could. He was like that. He preferred little girls, maybe because he raised two daughters. I remember him telling me how happy he was when he found out I was a girl after I was born. He said there was no need to for sports and all that "boy stuff" when you could play Barbies or paint fingernails. Of course, now I know how much he liked watching baseball and cutting grass and doing "manly" things. But, when I was little, hearing him say that made me think he was really great.
In my last post, I mentioned that I would be getting my Molly bear soon. A couple of weeks after that post, I had a really crummy day. One of those days that make you sit in the car and cry. I also knew that my grandfather had just been admitted to Hospice care and was not doing well. Lastly, I was scheduled to be one of several speakers at the Atlanta Walk to Remember that weekend. I was so nervous about that!! I am not a great public speaker. I really didn't want to mess things up. That day is just too special for so many people and I was so worried about what I would say. So, as I was saying, I was having a crummy day topped with a lot of anxiety and sadness. I got home that afternoon and opened the mailbox to find my Molly Bears box. I can't explain how it made me feel....it was perfect timing. A not so subtle message from my darling girl letting me know she is still here and that all will be ok.
Here she is....
....my "Lizzie" bear :))
I can't think of a more perfect day to receive her and I am so grateful to Molly Bears for what they do. I know it seems crazy to gain hope and strength from a stuffed bear, but I did and I do. It is a strange thing to not have memories or much tangible evidence that a person existed and not only was part of your life, but irrevocably changed your life forever. I think this precious gesture gives me a little of that, along with hope.
I know that somewhere up in heaven, a very tall man with broad shoulders and a funny laugh is holding a tiny precious little girl and telling her all about her mama and what her mama was like as a little girl. Maybe he is sharing some memories with her about me and that makes me really happy.