Memories

My "Big Daddy" died two weeks ago.  He was my grandfather on my mom's side.  We had always called him that because he was so tall.  Just a massive man, full of strength.  I can remember sitting on his shoulders when I was very little.  Sitting there made me feel like I was the tallest person on earth. 

It is interesting to me how I view death since I have been through the death of my baby.  I don't fear death.  I think a lot about it sometimes--the concept of death, what it is like, what heaven is like.  I know that sounds REALLY strange.  But it is true.  Don't misunderstand me.....I do not like the idea of death and I do not like to know that others around me have experienced the death of a loved one.  But, I think that because my little girl has been through it that I view it differently than maybe someone who hasn't really given it much thought.  I don't know.

So, I have been thinking a lot about Big Daddy.  Which makes me think a lot about my girl.  Now they are in the same place and that is nice.  I know that we all believe different things, but I believe in Heaven.  I wonder if he has been giving her rides on his shoulders?  I bet she would like that a lot.

My grandfather was a World War II veteran.  He loved to tell stories about his army days and how his plane went down over a part of Africa and he had to find his way home.  I can't imagine doing that myself....Ha!  I wouldn't make it out of Atlanta :)  But, it doesn't surprise me that he could.  He was like that.  He preferred little girls, maybe because he raised two daughters.  I remember him telling me how happy he was when he found out I was a girl after I was born.  He said there was no need to for sports and all that "boy stuff" when you could play Barbies or paint fingernails.  Of course, now I know how much he liked watching baseball and cutting grass and doing "manly" things.  But, when I was little, hearing him say that made me think he was really great.

In my last post, I mentioned that I would be getting my Molly bear soon.  A couple of weeks after that post, I had a really crummy day.  One of those days that make you sit in the car and cry.  I also knew that my grandfather had just been admitted to Hospice care and was not doing well.  Lastly, I was scheduled to be one of several speakers at the Atlanta Walk to Remember that weekend.  I was so nervous about that!!   I am not a great public speaker.  I really didn't want to mess things up.  That day is just too special for so many people and I was so worried about what I would say.  So, as I was saying, I was having a crummy day topped with a lot of anxiety and sadness.  I got home that afternoon and opened the mailbox to find my Molly Bears box.  I can't explain how it made me feel....it was perfect timing.  A not so subtle message from my darling girl letting me know she is still here and that all will be ok. 

Here she is....

                                                                                                ....my "Lizzie" bear :))

I can't think of a more perfect day to receive her and I am so grateful to Molly Bears for what they do.  I know it seems crazy to gain hope and strength from a stuffed bear, but I did and I do.  It is a strange thing to not have memories or much tangible evidence that a person existed and not only was part of your life, but irrevocably changed your life forever.  I think this precious gesture gives me a little of that, along with hope. 

I know that somewhere up in heaven, a very tall man with broad shoulders and a funny laugh is holding a tiny precious little girl and telling her all about her mama and what her mama was like as a little girl.  Maybe he is sharing some memories with her about me and that makes me really happy.