"Life isn't about surviving the storm...it is about learning to dance in the rain." Anonymous

Friday, November 1, 2013

Memories

My "Big Daddy" died two weeks ago.  He was my grandfather on my mom's side.  We had always called him that because he was so tall.  Just a massive man, full of strength.  I can remember sitting on his shoulders when I was very little.  Sitting there made me feel like I was the tallest person on earth. 

It is interesting to me how I view death since I have been through the death of my baby.  I don't fear death.  I think a lot about it sometimes--the concept of death, what it is like, what heaven is like.  I know that sounds REALLY strange.  But it is true.  Don't misunderstand me.....I do not like the idea of death and I do not like to know that others around me have experienced the death of a loved one.  But, I think that because my little girl has been through it that I view it differently than maybe someone who hasn't really given it much thought.  I don't know.

So, I have been thinking a lot about Big Daddy.  Which makes me think a lot about my girl.  Now they are in the same place and that is nice.  I know that we all believe different things, but I believe in Heaven.  I wonder if he has been giving her rides on his shoulders?  I bet she would like that a lot.

My grandfather was a World War II veteran.  He loved to tell stories about his army days and how his plane went down over a part of Africa and he had to find his way home.  I can't imagine doing that myself....Ha!  I wouldn't make it out of Atlanta :)  But, it doesn't surprise me that he could.  He was like that.  He preferred little girls, maybe because he raised two daughters.  I remember him telling me how happy he was when he found out I was a girl after I was born.  He said there was no need to for sports and all that "boy stuff" when you could play Barbies or paint fingernails.  Of course, now I know how much he liked watching baseball and cutting grass and doing "manly" things.  But, when I was little, hearing him say that made me think he was really great.

In my last post, I mentioned that I would be getting my Molly bear soon.  A couple of weeks after that post, I had a really crummy day.  One of those days that make you sit in the car and cry.  I also knew that my grandfather had just been admitted to Hospice care and was not doing well.  Lastly, I was scheduled to be one of several speakers at the Atlanta Walk to Remember that weekend.  I was so nervous about that!!   I am not a great public speaker.  I really didn't want to mess things up.  That day is just too special for so many people and I was so worried about what I would say.  So, as I was saying, I was having a crummy day topped with a lot of anxiety and sadness.  I got home that afternoon and opened the mailbox to find my Molly Bears box.  I can't explain how it made me feel....it was perfect timing.  A not so subtle message from my darling girl letting me know she is still here and that all will be ok. 

Here she is....


                                                                                                ....my "Lizzie" bear :))

I can't think of a more perfect day to receive her and I am so grateful to Molly Bears for what they do.  I know it seems crazy to gain hope and strength from a stuffed bear, but I did and I do.  It is a strange thing to not have memories or much tangible evidence that a person existed and not only was part of your life, but irrevocably changed your life forever.  I think this precious gesture gives me a little of that, along with hope. 

I know that somewhere up in heaven, a very tall man with broad shoulders and a funny laugh is holding a tiny precious little girl and telling her all about her mama and what her mama was like as a little girl.  Maybe he is sharing some memories with her about me and that makes me really happy. 

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry about your grandfather. :(
    And you did great at the walk, as always!

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  2. My name is Molly. I am a member of the Molly Bears Team. I have a question to ask the author of this particular post. Could you please email me at mollyschmitz@mollybears.com? Thank you so much! Big hugs <3 Molly Rose

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