It's good to be back...

Sorry it has been so long between posts...I have been out of town.  I am adding a picture of my most favorite place in the world...the beach at Longboat Key.  It doesn't really have anything at all to do with perinatal loss, but it makes me smile. 

It is so interesting to me how time seems to feel different at the beach.  Maybe it's because you actually have time to sit and think about things.  I think anyone who has ever lost a baby thinks about the milestones they are missing.  First steps, first birthday, first foods, etc.  For me, it is the vacations that make me really think about my baby.  Maybe that is because my whole family is together for an entire week uninterrupted and we are missing someone.  There is no new baby to take in for a nap or to play with in the sand.  I caught my husband watching a father and his baby swimming and for a minute, I caught a glimpse of his grief and sadness.  I don't see it much with him....men are sometimes very different in the way they express things.  Or at least, my husband is.

I definitely believe I have reached a new stage of my grief.  I am not consciously aware of when that has happened, but it has.   You might be familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her theory on the stages of grief.  She really hit the nail on the head, I think.  One revelation I had this past week is that I  am no longer angry.  That may seem crazy to read, but if you have had a loss, you might understand.  I have found that I can think about my sweet  baby daughter and smile just at the thought of her.  The anger seems to have gone.  That is a great feeling, because being an angry person didn't make me feel like myself.  But I couldn't help it...that is just grief.  I am not saying that there isn't still a lot of sadness--there definitely is.  There are still times when that hysteria that lies just beneath the surface wants to come out (you know??), but those moments don't seem as frequent anymore. 

Anyway, just had to share...enjoy the picture!